Wednesday, October 31, 2007

my computer says ponderings is not a word...

whenever my computer gets tired and goes to the screen saver,
i get to view a random succession of pictures.
my life from the past few years
not in the order that i lived it.
memories.
things, places, ideas, people.
-some i haven't thought about in awhile.
-some i was contemplating mere seconds before their appearance on the screen.
i always let the pictures pass.
remembering.
nostalgic ponderings.

the slide show always ends too soon
and i am left staring at a reflection of myself
in the present
exactly as i am
wishing for something else.

exhale
drink a sip of tea
and return from my journey
of what was my life.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

on retreat,

i kind of missed God.

Yet, He was there:








Monday, October 29, 2007

it says 7:12...but i know the "truth"

this computer is living in the past. two minutes behind. do you think that means something?

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

can someone please answer this for me:

WHAT'S GOING ON???

confusion reigns supreme

time

rewind?
no.
fast forward?
no.
here. now.
why?
because it's just better that way.

my train of thought

I've been having a lot of questions lately about the Catholic church and it's foundations and kind of just how early Christianity began. I was finally able to meet with Jesuit Joe tonight after Seekers so that he could explain some things to me. I just feel incredibly lucky that I am in such close contact with people like him. He really knows his stuff. It seems like any time I have a question, he can help me answer it. And I can tell he's thought about it a lot and has actually learned so much over the years. I wonder what it's like to be in possession of that much knowledge. To really know and understand a ridiculous amount of information and, on top of that, to be able to articulate it and pass it along to others in a very cohesive, interesting manner. PLUS, in a matter of merely two hours, I feel like I was able to finally understand things that I've been thinking about for a long time.

One of my favorite ideas that he presented to me is that the Jewish faith tradition acts as a wonderful testament to the truth of God. Judaism and its followers have outlasted all of the great empires and societies in history. It has always been just a tiny little section of the world's population and the people have endured so much throughout time, yet they are still here. They are still faithful believers in God. Israel truly is God's chosen people.
Joe presented this idea much better than I am doing right now, but it still has a lot of value. I think it's such an interesting idea and I really, really like it. I've been wondering what role then does Christianity play in all this chosen people business. I've definitely thought about that a lot before, but now the nature of the question just seems entirely different. Ah, I LOVE to think about things like this.

I am so grateful to Joe for sharing his thoughts with me and making all those wheels inside my head start turning. It feels like a lot of the little men that work on the railroads of thought in my brain just came back to work. They are laying new tracks or are running trains on tracks that haven't been used for awhile. I think I need to go buy one of those conductor's hats now. Yep, that's of utmost importance.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

what life isn't

fair.

there are so many things i can't say.
not because i don't want to.
not because i'm afraid of the consequences.
not because i think it's wrong to feel that way.
but because it will make too many people feel uncomfortable.
therefore, it's just not worth it.

accommodations:
unfortunate.
necessary.

life.

drugs

this is too good not to be recorded for all of time and eternity. so leila's dad had surgery and was still heavily medicated when her mom came into the room. she asked how he was feeling and here is the dialog that proceeded:

Don: I feel like I'm floating!
Linda: Do you feel like you're floating above the bed?
Don: No, I feel like I AM the bed.

Monday, October 22, 2007

tea

can only keep me awake for so long...
i just hope that's long enough!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

isn't she lovely

so this is my sister, i think she's pretty much amazing.

okay...this isn't a picture of crystalynne,
but it's really pretty too:




Monday, October 15, 2007

"The Attitude of Gratitude"

Thank you Father Al. Tonight's mass was amazing. I just had one of those feelings when I left of being so thankful that I attended. I mean, yes I'm glad to be there everytime that I go, but sometimes a certain feeling resonates. It also has to do with setting. I haven't sat in between two of my friends in awhile. Being surrounded by people who know and care about me is something I tend to take for granted. Yet not tonight. Tonight...the night that Father Al gave a homily about thankfulness, I was truly thankful. He said gratitude is the memory of the heart. I'm still trying to make sense of that statement, but I think it's true.

Will you let me be your servant
let me be as Christ to you
Pray that I may have the grace to
let you be my servant too

At times my friends don't even understand that they're acting as blessings in my life.
Eric and Michael
-opening up and having me sit right in between them as opposed to on the side.
-making me laugh so hard at dinner. Sarcasm. It's fantastic.
-appreciating me for exactly who I am. Genuine happiness, that radiates out my cheek bones, showed itself tonight.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

a little more effort

it is becoming increasingly apparent to me that war (for any reason) is wrong.
there are just better, more intelligent ways of solving conflicts.
-less destructive,
-less harmful,
-less taxing
on everything from economies to personal psyche.
why, in the history of time and the world,
have we not deduced a better way of living with one another?
in a time where intellect is so valued, let's think harder.
and in my personal opinion, can we just "think" with our hearts.
i have a feeling that just a little more effort in creating other means of resolving conflict will let everyone live more peaceably.
a little more effort.
and getting rid of pride, or at least acknowledging when you're wrong.
can we just try.
can't we all just try.
reading my history textbook makes me depressed.
so many passionate, intelligent....misguided individuals.
and i'm not saying that good things don't come out of bad situations.
but wouldn't it be nice if destructive, prideful, arrogant thoughts never entered some people's (including my own) minds.
wouldn't it be nice.

circle

since time doesn't really exist
and what i wrote down yesterday actually applies to today
then i already know the lesson i will learn tomorrow

Thursday, October 11, 2007

inside jokes and outside memories

don't ever refer to me as silly pants again.

























God made two?!





me: if it gets too strong, just take it out and then put it back in again.
benny: that's what she said.













































































































Wednesday, October 10, 2007

on silence:

"30 seconds is not that long, I was silent for 30 days."

-Joe Riordan

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

# 66

He is a free and secure citizen of the world becasue he is on a chain that is long enough to allow him access to all parts of the earth, and yet not so long that he could be swept over the edge of it. At the same time he is also a free and secure citizen of heaven becasue he is also attached to a similar heavenly chain. If he wants to go to earth, the heavenly manacles will throttle him, if he wants to go to heaven, the earthly manacles will. But for all that, all possibilities are open to him, as he is well aware, yes, he even refuses to believe the whole thing is predicated on a mistake going back to the time of his first enchainment.



The Zurau Aphorisms
-Franz Kafka

Monday, October 1, 2007

To believe: that is to recognize one's own will as a small fragment of the divine will. It follows from this that activity, the creation of will, is the creation of God.

I prefer the ideas that are tried out in the full light of day to those that are allowed to grow rancid within oneself.

The most poisoned hatreds are those born of old loves.

At this point in his reflections the knight had something like an hallucination. A spot on our globe was burning with a blinding brilliance, as if a fire had been lighted on an immense hearth. At the heart of this fierce light and heat a swarm of human beings seemed to be giving themselves over to an incomprehensible and fantastic mimicry of worship. Emerging from all sides, from deep valleys of shadow, floods of human creatures of all colors were pouring in; and in the measure of their approach to the hearth, these beings took up, insensibly, the rhythm which encompassed them, while under the effect of the light they lost their original colors, which gave way to the wan tint that filled the air roundabout.
The knight closed his eyes to banish the vision. To live in the shadow, to live humbly and peaceably at the obscure heart of the world, to live from his own substance and his own wisdom...

A life which justifies itself before God would not know how to love exuberance, superabundance. It finds its full flowering, on the contrary, in the consciousness it has of its own littleness compared to the greatness of God.