periwinkle conundrum

A heavy and joyful heart have I

2011-07-10T22:13:00.000-07:00

It seems that I have been receiving blow upon blow lately.

News from my family

striking me right in the gut.

I cried for an entire hour one night.

Held tight, wrapped in loving arms, but still sad nonetheless.

Of course as people get older, life becomes harder.

More serious.

Everything has consequences.

I realized that I feel the pain of my family more than anything else.

I weep for them.

PEOPLE DON'T DESERVE THIS.

WHY IS LIFE SO PAINFUL?

IT ISN'T FAIR. IT ISN'T FAIR. IT ISN'T FAIR.

(who can i say this to who will finally make it fair?....no one. it just has to be.)

And in the midst of all of this...a child is conceived.

A baby on the way.

For innumerable intervals of time, all I feel is JOY.

Blessed world! A new person to meet and love!

God has magnificent timing.

I will always love you. I will always respect you.

Desiderata- Max Ehrmann

2011-01-27T23:26:00.000-08:00

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

- 1927

This is

2011-01-07T11:41:00.000-08:00

who we are!

Vonnegut strikes again!

2010-11-24T17:39:00.000-08:00

I have now been introduced to a fabulous human being: Eugene Debs. Here is what he said,

"Your Honor, years ago I recognized my kinship with all living beings, and I made up my mind that I was not one bit better than the meanest on earth. I said then, and I say now, that while there is a lower class, I am in it, and while there is a criminal element I am of it, and while there is a soul in prison, I am not free."

September 1st

2010-09-01T15:42:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles was more receptive to me than I was to it.
Yet, still very hard to assimilate to.
I say this as if it happened decades, years, months, even weeks ago.
It didn't.
A few days have passed.
Maybe ten or so.
Give or take 3 days.
I am just beginning to like it here.
But I still despise some of the trends,
and the fact that I now own a car.
I like the vibrancy of the streets and proximity to the beach.
I love the cool winds that enter the windows every morning
and continue on throughout the day until evening.
I get so excited to come home every night to a welcome feeling of love!
There is no longer a pull from some other place,
nor is there a need for my presence to be elsewhere.
Everything is as it should be.
I feel peaceful when I drift off to sleep at night.
But I terribly miss my simple life.
The one that consisted of bicycles and homemade hummus,
of nightly family style dinners and tiny faces greeting me every morning,
of beautiful sunsets and heat beyond belief,
of daily frustrations and accomplishments,
of heartbreaking stories and the overwhelming desire to do good.
My life was changed forever due to those things
and I will never see through rose colored glasses again.
But I do have a partner to walk with me during life's trials now.
I like the dinosaur sheets that we sleep on.
I like that we watch cookie monster on youtube.
I like that we listen to paul simon records.
I like that we ride bikes to the farmer's market.
I like that we eat chocolate cake at Ikea.
I like us. Actually, I love us! Everything about us.
Next up: an income that actually pays for everything,
A life that is infused with my values of past and present,
A faith that is truly God's and my creation.

And so I go

2010-08-18T23:01:00.000-07:00

tomorrow
the biggest move I've ever made
not in terms of possessions
nor distance
nor a career path
this time, it's not just for me
for the first time in my life, it's specifically for someone else

And what is a life without love?

2010-07-29T23:15:00.000-07:00

you make me, me
just by you being you

Some things I've needed to say, but

2010-06-19T19:40:00.001-07:00

• Haven’t had words
• Haven’t had the time
• Haven’t had the energy

To one:
Congratulations! I know you need my support right now and I am so sorry I can’t be there. Don’t worry, you will be fine. You are blessed!

To another:
I love you. Even though you’ve never depended on anyone before, you can depend on me and I will always be there. Please never forget that.

To a third:
I am sorry that I hurt you. I think about you everyday and you are important to me. I hope you know I still care. When I can finally back up how I feel with what I do and what I say, things might go back to normal. Until then, thank you for understanding.

To a fourth:
I miss you everyday. You help keep my faith strong and without you, sometimes I forget God exists.

To a fifth:
You’ve always been a better friend to me than I have been to you. I don’t deserve you and yet you are still there.

To a sixth:
Thank you for continuing to make me smile. You have touched my soul.

To a seventh:
If only I could see you more often! You make me feel like I legitimately help you when you trust me with the questions of your life. And you remember me even though I’m far away.

To an eighth:
Thank you for loving me even though I can not return that love in the same way.

To a ninth:
Thank you for being more daring than me. It’s inspiring and motivating and real.

To a tenth:
I know you care. And, at the same time, you don’t give a shit. Everyone knows you are higher than number ten, and yet you will never give me any grief for putting you last on this list. Thank you for being there for me, being constant, even though I haven’t been there for you.

To all:
Most of the time I am unable to express how blessed I am to have so many substantial individuals who act as a graceful presence in my life. I am so grateful that I know each of you. I wish I could make each one of you understand what a struggle it has been for me to not be able to contact you more frequently this year. But, overall, I am extremely exhausted.

I am mostly saddened by what I witness everyday and tired that it never seems to improve. I have experienced so much that I have not been able or willing to share with you. I realize that it is my fault for the distances and rifts I have created in some of my relationships, but my place this year was never to be with you. My place this year is to be with my kids. So for this one year of my life, I am sorry that I am not dedicated to my relationships. I know this is detrimental and in some cases (although I hope not) possibly caustic. I keep you all in my heart and in case I have not found the time to tell you recently, I love you deeply. You have each played a substantial role in making me who I am. Thank you.

Come August, I hope to reinvigorate each relationship I have and invest some much needed time in them. But for another month, I will come home everyday and spend time with my community and myself. Reflect and try to figure out why the hell the world is so fucked up. Innocence is lost. Children are corrupted and not taken care of. And all I can do is stand by and watch. All I can do is be one positive voice in sea of a million negative ones. All I can do is cry and hope to God that each child is alright, even though I know that they are not. I will continue to try to be hopeful when I actually am helpless.

Tucson: the city.

2010-05-11T20:39:00.000-07:00

Casa Sojo took a little road trip to the thriving metropolis of Tucson, Arizona last Saturday.
We saw the fabulous University of Arizona, the "Epic Cafe", San Xavier Mission, and Saguaro National Park. Needless to say, it was pretty neat!

turtle sighting!

RED VELVET DELICACIES

hehe...(usually)

Garden of Gethsemane Park

Cactus for miles!

Mission San Xavier

and it's faithful guard dog!

Saguaro National Park

my favorite prickly pear!

OUCHIE

April 17th, 2010

2010-04-25T23:24:00.002-07:00

Some plans were made and rice was thrown
A house was built, a baby born
How time can move both fast and slow
Amazes me
And so I raise my glass to symmetry
To the second hand and its accuracy
To the actual size of everything
The desert is the sand
You can't hold it in your hand
It won't bow to your demands
There's no difference you can make
There's no difference you can make
And if it seems like an accident
A collage of senselessness
You weren't looking hard enough
I wasn't looking hard enough at it
(Bright Eyes)

happy dads!

the famous couple themselves

the look

the gang's all here!

the "I just got married" face

what an amazing soul

even Vicki can party like the best of 'em

Jackie pants

and then we hopped town...

2010-04-25T23:24:00.000-07:00

There are places I remember all my life,
Though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain.
All these places have their moments
Of lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I loved them all.

And with all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these mem'ries lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
And I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them.
In my life I loved you more.

And I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them.
In my life I loved you more
In my life I loved you more

-the Beatles

On day number 2 of my sick vacation:

2010-03-19T11:27:00.002-07:00

This isn't quite a vacation at all actually.
Sitting at home and resting is nice, but very odd.
I'm going to go dust off that movie Crash and watch it.
Also, I'm in love and I think about it too much!
Complete with all the corny, butterfly ridden, embracing scenes at the airport and the quiet moments of realization that you are better for knowing this other person.
I've also never been so committed and traumatized by a job.
But it's so much more than a job!
Goodness, I read books about it at home...that means something.
Engrossed? Yes.
I love these children more than I ever thought I could've.
They exhaust me, but they've taught me so much about myself.
They give me courage and they cause my heart to ache consistently.
They will not remember me in a few years, but I will never forget them.
I cry for their lives when they can't even comprehend the issues that affect them.
I laugh with them daily and rejoice in knowing they are overcoming difficult boundaries.
My favorite days are when they use a new word for the first time.
Or when they sing with me.
To make a tangible difference: so worth it, but so tiring.

I jumped in head first.
My soul is submerged for the long haul.
And I'm not alone.

would YOU stay in Phoenix for another year?

2010-02-25T21:17:00.000-08:00

Would ya?
Would ya?

This place is a HOLE

but the children have captured my heart
and i've never had a space which to call my own
entire autonomy
such a challenge
and so much growth to be had!

Will I be ready to quit it all come August?
To give up all that I'm currently working towards?

I don't have to.
They'll let me stay.
In fact, I think they'd want me to.

But this city....
OH IT'S LIKE DEATH.

At what cost would I staying?
What would be sacrificed?

More contemplation is to come.

This one really hit home

2010-02-18T21:35:00.000-08:00

A Prayer for Children:

We pray for children who sneak popsicles before supper,
who erase holes in math workbooks,
who throw tantrums in grocery stores and pick at their food,
who like ghost stories, who can never find their shoes.

And we pray for those who stare at photographers from behind barbed wire,
who can’t bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers,
who are born in places we wouldn’t be caught dead in,
who never go to the circus, who live in an X-rated world.

We pray for children who sleep with the dog and bury the goldfish,
who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
who get visits from the tooth fairy,
who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money.

And we pray for those who never get dessert,
who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
who watch their parents watch them die,
who can’t find any bread to steal,
who don’t have any rooms to clean up,
whose monsters are real.

We pray for children who spend all their allowance before Tuesday,
who shove dirty clothes under the bed, and never rinse out the tub,
who don’t like to be kissed in front of the carpool,
who squirm in church or temple and scream in the phone,
whose tears we sometimes laugh at and whose smiles can make us cry.

And we pray for those whose nightmares come in the daytime,
who will eat anything,
who have never seen a dentist,
who aren’t spoiled by anyone,
who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
who live and move, but have no being.

We pray for children who want to be carried…and for those who must be,
for those we never give up on…and for those who don’t get a second chance,
for those we smother…and for those who will grab the hand of anybody kind enough to offer it.

props to the pops

2010-02-16T21:55:00.001-08:00

hot off a phone call with the one art hughes, which always seem to be intellectually stimulating, thought provoking, home beseeching, infuriating, fruitless, fruitful, enriching, and grounding simultaneously

he has a way of irking me to an extent that is healthy. never exacerbating. his questions are both imploring and respectful. he rarely condones what i have to say, but when he does it is with gusto and enthusiasm. he makes me work hard to convince him that the words i say are important. he causes me to speak with fervor and passion in order to ensure that i am getting my point across in a cohesive and coherent manner. he understands and is not afraid to disagree or agree with me. he is nonjudgmental. he does not apologize for his beliefs; whether they be against the grain or fully instep with the rest of society.

he is one in a million.
i only have respect for him.
he's simple. through and through.
he works hard. very hard.
he knows how to indulge.
he knows how to communicate.
he's never seemed haughty or too good for anyone.
he's pleasant and wants to know people.
he's got a good heart and he knows that he's a good person.
he tries.
he's funnier than anyone else i've ever met.
i love him boundlessly and i continuously wonder how i am so blessed to have him as my father.

Interrogatives for myself.

2010-02-15T22:52:00.001-08:00

What is this life I have?
Who are these people I know?
When did I become this person?
Where do I go from here?

Only when I view my life in tiny bits and pieces does it even begin to make sense. Everyone I see and speak with on a regular basis is new in the grand scheme of my life. I am on a quest to become insensed with the life I currently have. Reflection helps and I can't believe that Lent is arriving at a more serendipitious moment.

Should I view my thoughts/ideas/emotions from a new perspective now? No. Well, maybe.

I feel at peace. aware. joyous. understood. loved. more than I ever have before.

I have a long way to go, but I know myself and I have my faith to guide me. It's all I've lived on this year and I'd say that I'm pretty darn fulfilled.

something to ponder:

2010-02-10T23:12:00.000-08:00

"The world would be better off
if people tried to become better,
and people would become better
if they stopped trying to become better off.
For when everyone tries to become better off
nobody is better off.
Everyone would be rich
if nobody tried to become richer,
and nobody would be poor
if everybody tried to be the poorest.
And everybody would be what he ought to be
if everybody tried to be
what he wants the other fellow to be."

-The Catholic Worker

2010-02-07T23:15:00.001-08:00

you know how there are just some people who, in merely being themselves, allow you to be better yourself?
all i have to say is: thank God for their existence.

"i am who i am by the grace of God"- a message from Paul that i received in mass today. i'm going to try and hang on to it for as long as possible.

Rollercoaster

2010-01-24T00:53:00.001-08:00

If you haven't noticed, my life is one recently.
Actually this year is infused with super highs and intense lows.
It seems as if they occur every other day.
Today, I was in love with everything about my life.
But on Thursday, I could barely muster up the energy/courage to smile.
Never can I recall being so hot and cold on such a frequent basis!

In other news, my house did the enneagram the other night. I came out as a nine. The mediator. The peace seeker.

Because I've failed miserably at putting up photos in the recent past, here are some to appease your appetites.

Oh Those RED rocks of Sedona!

hehehehe....

You're telling me!!

This place actually exists!

The opposite of Chaos Theory

The Shatarupa

Christmas Breakfast!

These two....
Oh Vic!
My return to SF
I only wish I knew what was said immediately before this...Mike?
Classic Art Hughes
we love weddings don't we Ben?!
Nick does too.
I think they tie for my favorite person.

It's one of those

2010-01-21T09:38:00.001-08:00

give ya' a run for your money days!

should i follow?

2010-01-07T13:51:00.000-08:00

only time can give me a comprehensive answer

ambivalent

2010-01-05T13:23:00.000-08:00

I can either write about something amazing or something incredibly frustrating.
I'm toying with both and neither.

In one part of my life, I am so strikingly shocked and overjoyed that I smile intensely whenever I think about it. An unexplainable blessing recently arrived and released my soul from some very rusty old chains.

In another aspect, I think God is trying super hard to push me over the edge. I'm so ravaged that I am at a loss for words. It's a fruitless, awful feeling to be stripped of all patience and courage and strength.

Nothing like being on two entirely different ends of the spectrum simultaneously huh?!

I'm already wanting to visit!

2009-12-29T13:15:00.001-08:00

2. We're a total spectacle. My field director, Kelly Jo, who is a lunatic and who would get along like white on rice with one Juliette Hughes, decided to lead a group yoga session outside at the mission today, and by about two minutes in all of us white folk in yoga pants rolling around in the dust had attracted a crowd of 20+ Rwandans, looking at us with a healthy mix of amusement, horror, and disgust (incidentally, my favorite emotional cocktail). We're wearing our weirdness proud and it's sweeeeeet. -Jo.

So many butterflies!

2009-12-24T00:05:00.000-08:00

Peppermint hot chocolate
Laughing laughing laughing
That little drive was so worth it!

Can I ask you a serious question?

2009-12-17T12:56:00.000-08:00

Is it worth it to try to transcend space yet again
just because timing appears to be so pivotal?

but i never really needed a Reason

2009-12-16T07:17:00.000-08:00

I have good reason to believe God exists.

Everything that I have asked for (truly desired),
I have received.

Any questions that I have had,
have been answered (in due time).

Perspective always came after patience kicked in.

2009-12-14T14:53:00.000-08:00

I am not fulfilled.
I miss being challenged!
I miss feeling as if I have a purpose!
I miss feeling utilized and needed!
I miss being around intellect and ingenuity!
I miss being around optimism.
I miss being optimistic!

2009-12-11T12:57:00.000-08:00

On my bike rides in the morning, I draft combinations of words in my head. Upon arriving at work, I always forget to put them down on paper somewhere. Thus they are lost forever. They must have been words only meant for me I suppose. I'm officially done with 1/3 of my JVC year and I can already tell that leaving here is going to be one of the most difficult things I've ever had to deal with. Lauren, Cassie, Eileen, and Vanessa will never know the effect they've already had on my life. To live one day apart from them in the future is going to make me cry. But for now, I'm just going to rejoice in the fact that I get to go home for Christmas in one week and chill with Art and Vicki for awhile. Then I'll come back to the cold Phoenix and pick up my life right where I left off. :-)

2009-12-09T07:03:00.001-08:00

I, quite possibly, just saw the most majestic sunrise I've ever seen!
Oh, the beams of light!
Oh, the radiance!

Today I feel...

2009-12-07T07:09:00.001-08:00

especially happy!

Definitely a Thanksgiving for the Record Books

2009-12-02T13:15:00.000-08:00

My first pie!!
The Thankful Tree

Twilight

"Shenanigans"....

my favorite!

2009-12-01T14:32:00.000-08:00

http://www.markjanzenphotography.com/crystalynne-and-nick-a-woodward-park-engagement-session/

excuses excuses

2009-11-23T14:23:00.000-08:00

I think I've quit posting for fear that everyone will recognize me as less interesting/creative/contemplative/intelligent/exciting/inquisitive/spiritual/etc... as I was in my previous life.

2009-11-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

the moon peers out from behind the clouds. it's such a delight!

today i feel

2009-10-29T10:40:00.000-07:00

sad.

life changing moments

2009-10-28T14:59:00.000-07:00

continue to occur in my absence.
yet they are entirely affecting how i see my future.

i will pray for you every day.
know that i support you and will be there for you.

where to go, where to go, where to go???
that's a work in progress.
i'll let you know when the indecision has ceased!

the banjo stole my heart

2009-10-22T10:34:00.000-07:00

This song is so cute!

2009-10-21T16:52:00.001-07:00

days are composed of small victories

2009-10-07T07:54:00.000-07:00

flowers of purple, orange, fuchsia, yellow all convene to delight my senses as clouds simultaneously break their silence, allowing the Lord's omnipotent rays to pass through

the splendor of the morning continues to amaze me.

2009-10-02T12:29:00.001-07:00

I was just informed by my boss that, as of Monday, I will be relieved of my duties in the infant room! I must say that it has been a good experience, but THANK GOODNESS. My prayers have been answered.

For some silly reason, the toddler teacher has chosen to play Christmas music all day! It made me laugh initially, but now I like it!

Happy October!

2009-10-01T07:52:00.000-07:00

I honestly can't believe I've made it to this point. It's almost the end of our second month of JVC!

Morning musings

2009-09-30T07:53:00.000-07:00

Amidst my usual morning prayers and special intentions during the morning bike ride, I added in a prayer of thanksgiving for sprinklers and trellises! They suplemented my ride so pleasantly that I just needed to say thank you for their creation. Haha, and then we passed a church marquee that has a tendency to be kind of humorous and/or clever. It said: Seven days without prayer make one weak. And now, time to start the day!

The breeze!

2009-09-22T07:58:00.001-07:00

We walked outside this morning and there was a cool breeze for the first time ever!
So fitting for the beginning of fall!

"Make Me a Servant"

2009-09-21T16:50:00.000-07:00

Make me a servant, humble and meek,
Lord, let me lift up those who are weak.
And may the prayer of my heart always be:
Make me a servant, make me a servant,
make me a servant today.

OH MY GOODNESS!

2009-09-17T16:35:00.000-07:00

Am I ever so glad for the work day to be done!
After lunch was so much better!
I went back into my room to find three sleeping babies.
Two had gone home.
My eternal gratitude goes to Valerie, who calmed the stormy seas of infant-land!
I honestly almost started crying during lunch.
My eyes welled up and then I decided to call my dad.
I told him about my five crying babies and he chuckled...obviously having gone through worse things in his life. Then he said he'd gladly trade my dog who barks all night long for all the babies! What a jokester!
I needed a hug...and I got one in the form of dad on the phone.
The silence of the room when I returned had never felt so essential and necessary.
Today was so hard, but we made it through.
The babies all went home with smiles on their faces,
and their mothers all picked them up in gratitude.

Hahaha, and I couldn't help but laugh when, on three separate occasions today, a baby went to the bathroom while I was changing them! Good thing I had the diaper there to block it. Either I'm crazy or my job actually is humorous because I just started laughing! Thank goodness for comic relief.

Oh baby! Looking forward to 8 AM tomorrow....

I am the interim infant teacher.

2009-09-17T13:21:00.000-07:00

5 babies
all crying simultaneously.
Do I have to go back after this lunch break?

One baby crying: heart wrenching.
Five babies crying: utter terror.

At some point in time, they all go to sleep....

Today:

2009-09-15T16:38:00.001-07:00

6:10 wake up
7:10 leave the house on our bikes
7:45 arrive at work
8:00 find out Valerie is out sick again
9:30 give breaks to the teachers outside
11:00 the infant teacher has an anxiety attack
11:15 she goes home unexpectedly
11:16 I am asked to cover her room
11:30 baby falls asleep on my shoulder in the rocking chair
1:30 eat the first turkey sandwich I've had in about 2 months
2:30 bananas bananas bananas
4:00 scrub two high chairs till they shine
4:30 breathe out and prepare to ride home

What does it mean to count my blessings?

2009-09-11T14:22:00.000-07:00

It means to understand that I live in abundance.
Not in riches or glory, but abundance nonetheless.

I have good food to eat every night and friends to dine with.
I have a shower and soap to cleanse myself with at the end of the day.
I have a bed to sleep in.
I have all the amenities of a comfortable lifestyle that I could possibly imagine.
I will not say that I can’t complain, because I can and do.
I will not even say that I don’t deserve to complain; everyone knows when their life could use some improvement.

What I will say is this:
I live in abundance.
I have chosen my life.
Everything I lack is because I decided that I can live without it.
I’ve done this to learn.
I’ve done this to appreciate my life more.
I’ve done this to release myself from reliance upon material items.
I’ve done this to introduce myself to a new way of thinking.
A life which is flexible and can compromise.
A life which seeks opportunity and does not dwell on what it lacks.
A life that is mature enough to know the distinguishing characteristics between true needs and wants.

Let me ask you this:
Do you know a girl, who comes to school with no underwear because her mom can’t afford any?
I do.
Do you know a 27 year old mother of three who is homeless?
I do.
Do you know a child who eats two servings of both breakfast and lunch at school because there is barely any food at her own apartment?
I do.
Do you know a confused, upset single mother who can’t rid her apartment of bedbugs and whose one year old son gets bit by them nightly?
I do.
Do you know a boy who only finds solace in his teacher, who is more nurturing than his own self-obsessed mother?
I do.

Think about the realities of your life?
What is your biggest problem?
Is it really irresolvable?
Is it really worth getting upset over?
Do you not already have everything you honestly need?
Have you not been blessed beyond belief?

2009-09-10T20:00:00.000-07:00

It's about time I said something real

2009-09-10T16:46:00.001-07:00

Hello, hello from the desk I share with two other people! Everyday I get off of work at 4:30, but I wait for Eileen, who finishes at 5, so that we can bike home together. One of my fears: that my vocabulary is decreasing...I don't have time to read as much so I feel like I'm gaining/retaining knowledge at a much slower rate than when I was in school. Do I like it here? Yes and no. I like that I'm doing something different and learning about reality through the people I see on a daily basis. The heat doesn't bother me too much. As a matter of fact, I'd rather be hot than be cold. My body is just taking a beating due to my job and the commute. 10 miles a day in the furnace of Phoenix is taking a toll. Also, my immune system can't quite keep up with all the illnesses that are present here at the shelter. There are multiple children out everyday because they are some sort of sick. I've caught at least one or two things and I'm just sick! Plus, I have new tasks everyday. Some things are the same, but the name of the game is fluidity and flexibility here. If I don't bend, then I definitely will break. Pray that I don't lose my optimism because I feel as if it might be fleeting! And here of all places, I need to try and smile as often as possible. Time to go! Another day, another dollar?

oh happy day!

2009-09-02T16:45:00.000-07:00

I FIXED A BIKE!

Our bikes have been plaguing us!!! We'll fix one thing and then something else will go wrong. BUT, yesterday, i finally went into a bike shop entitled The Slippery Pig and salvation occurred. Oh my goodness, the guy was so nice to teach me how to do all the things I couldn't pay to have done. And they worked! The bike is FINALLY in working condition and I don't feel like quite the naive rider that I once was. I may (fingers crossed) be able to put one together one of these days. I AM EXCITED!

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike! I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike!

The novelty is beginning to wear off...

2009-08-29T14:50:00.000-07:00

and reality is setting in.
This is my life.
I live here now.
This is what I chose.
I am here for a reason.
I am where I am meant to be. I need to...

Accept it.

Thomas Merton

2009-08-28T13:54:00.000-07:00

Last night for spirituality night, we read a few Thomas Merton letters and discussed them. We let the conversation lead itself where it wanted. Sometimes to seriousness; sometimes to utter silence; sometimes to humor. Discussing God is profoundly different here with these ladies. I like that we do it, but I sense a bit of uneasiness or tension grappling with the subject. I hope this year and our exposure to God in one another is good for all of us.

The Rising Sun

2009-08-27T12:54:00.000-07:00

I took this immediately after waking up this morning.
This is my Phoenician street.

Work is getting better!

2009-08-26T16:40:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling more at home here.
I'm beginning to understand my place.
When to do what.
What to do when.
I like talking to the other staff.
I like interacting with the children.
I love holding the babies.
I don't even mind doing the dishes.
I like that I get to read 9 stories during nap time.
Even though it's hot, I like the bike ride.
This week seems to be going to by quickly!

I carried around a rock that says hope in my pocket today!
It worked. ;-)

a tad bit about from Phoenix

2009-08-22T14:43:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I haven't written on here recently. I feel like I have so much to say, but it's not coming out! Eh, no need to force myself. Ya'll have my email address. What I will say is that downtown Phoenix public library is sooooo nice! It's five stories of chic building! We've spent a few hours here today and I'm already infatuated.

Oh!!! It's been blazing hot pretty much every single day since we arrived. And then...last night...upon exiting our dinner location...it was pouring rain!! There was a thunder storm and I ran out into it without any inhibitions whatsoever. I'm not sure I've ever been so happy about rain! It was glorious and joy filled.

Some photos:

The giant cactus stationed outside the YMCA.

My housemates Eileen and Vanessa.

The beautiful exterior of the church we attended last Sunday.

And its even more spectacular interior!

And so I go.

2009-08-08T11:40:00.000-07:00

let's hope it works out!

Let the fittings begin! (7/28)

2009-07-31T01:37:00.001-07:00

she's really beautiful isn't she?

thank you for this

2009-07-29T13:07:00.000-07:00

It definitely was a group effort that allowed me to read Franny and Zooey and I'm so grateful! FM1 and FM2 thank you for letting me borrow it and stay up all night reading. And thank you to someone else for encouraging me to finish. It was necessary.

FRANNY: "Just because I'm so horribly conditioned to accept everybody else's values, and just because I like applause and people to rave about me, doesn't make it right. I'm ashamed of it. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody. I'm sick of myself and everybody else that wants to make some kind of a splash."

ZOOEY: "The idea, really, is that sooner or later, completely on its own, the prayer moves from the lips and the head down to a center in the heart and becomes an automatic function in the person, right along with the heartbeat. And then, after a time, once the prayer is automatic in the heart, the person is supposed to enter into the so-called reality of things."

"In the first place, you're way off when you start railing at things and people instead of at yourself. We both are."

FRANNY: "I got the idea in my head that college was just one more dopey, inane place in the world dedicated to piling up treasure on earth and everything. I mean treasure is treasure, for heaven's sake. What's the difference whether the treasure is money, or property, or even culture, or even just plain knowledge? It all seemed exactly the same thing to me, if you take off the wrapping- and it still does! Sometimes I think that knowledge-when it's knowledge for knowledge's sake, anyway-is the worst of all. I don't think it would have all got me quite so down if just once in a while there was at least some polite little perfunctory implication that knowledge should lead to wisdom."

ZOOEY: "The part that stumps me is that I can't see why anybody-unless he was a child, or an angel, or a lucky simpleton like the pilgrim-would even want to say the prayer to a Jesus who was the least bit different from the way he looks and sounds in the New Testament. My God! He's only the most intelligent man in the Bible, that's all! Who isn't he head and shoulders over? Who? Both Testaments are full of pundits, prophets, disciples, favorite sons, Solomons, Isaiahs, Davids, Pauls- but, my God, who besides Jesus really knew which end was up? Nobody. Not Moses. Don't tell me Moses. He was a nice man, and he kept in beautiful touch with his God, and all that- but that's exactly the point. He had to keep in touch. Jesus realized there is no separation from God."

Sufjan has a new album finally!

2009-07-22T13:36:00.001-07:00

enough said.

"Via con Dios"

2009-07-20T10:47:00.000-07:00

That's what Fr. Al said to me last night during Fr. Charlie's dinner.
It was beautiful.

Go with God.

That will be the only thing I'm going with.
And hopefully the only thing necessary.
I cried on Saturday night.
My life is in Berkeley.
The majority of my friends are here.
My best memories.
I've only been in love here.
I've walked the streets in so many parts of the city.
I know what lies beneath the sidewalks of campus.
I've spent all night in the library.
I've spent all day at the preschool.
I've lived predominantly at Newman.

I cried so much last night.
John and I sat in mass and wept.
Wept.

Newman has been my family.
Last night,
We sang together.
We prayed together.
We held hands.
We were silent.
We even laughed out loud at some points.
Just as it's always been.

I will neither be here, nor with the rest of my family in Madera.
I will not be able to help plan the weddings.
I will not be around to witness the excitement
and to ease the stress.
I am going to miss out on SO MUCH.
And yet, via con Dios.

I will be going with God.
There is nothing more that I could ask for.

MORE Congratulations!

2009-07-19T10:44:00.000-07:00

My sister and Nick got engaged yesterday!

This is going to be exciting!

I love it, I love it, I love it!

Congratulations!

2009-07-11T23:26:00.000-07:00

My brother got engaged today.

They walked along the beach
and came upon a heart in the sand
with the words
Marry me Jamie? written inside

To Adam and Jamie:
I love you

watch it unfold:

Wedding photos!

2009-06-30T00:09:00.000-07:00

In case you didn't know, my best friend got married on June 20th in Utah.

Here's to an amazing eternity together Leila and Zach!

Isn't she lovely?

separation anxiety

2009-06-24T19:02:00.000-07:00

in an effort to purge unnecessary items from my life and just do some needed cleaning out before the rest of my things are moved home, i am finding it difficult to let go. i am going through old notebooks, readings, and papers from the past 4 years. i always feel like i'll go back and read my favorite assigned articles again or that i will want to reference something one of my professors said. the only way to safeguard against lost information in the future is to save it all. but yikes! this is becoming impossibly excessive. for heaven's sake IT'S GOOD TO LET GO. alas, i'm recycling all (okay... almost all) of my notebooks. even though they contain so much VALUABLE information. i am thoroughly contemplating which readings i will actually ever do again. i hope i don't regret these moves later in life when i am trying to refer to that awesome anatomy professor in conversation and just can't remember that silly comment she made the day she was teaching about clavicles, etc. honestly!, it seems like i don't over-think or over-analyze anything in my life except when i'm trying to get rid of things. sheesh. and now, all of these papers are making their way into the recycle bin. bye bye hours, days, months, and years of written knowledge...i hope some of you still reside in the back alleys of my memory.

more quotes:

2009-06-18T13:36:00.001-07:00

Adam: What's one million plus one million?
Zachary: Two thousand!

dreaming

2009-06-17T20:57:00.001-07:00

Last night I had a dream that I found that missing necklace!
awesome until I awoke.

The night before I dreamt that I was late to Leila's wedding.
awful until I awoke.

wise words from the 4 year olds

2009-06-15T14:48:00.000-07:00

I hear the greatest things some days.

Take today for example:

Adam randomly asks while coloring, "What about if people were Christmas trees and Christmas trees were people?"
Zachary responds in a very nonchalant manner, "Things would be just the same."

While looking into the end of the hose Daniel says, "Water? Are you there?"

A few days ago:

After being introduced to a substitute teacher named Mary during circle time, Neomi looks over at the other kids and says, "Mary...like Mary Poppins! Do you hear the Mary?"

Adam led us in the entire song Yellow Submarine by the Beatles during circle the other day. He sang all of the lyrics without fail! And yes it was glorious!

dang

2009-06-14T18:59:00.001-07:00

i've come to the realization that i'm invested.
what the hell am i supposed to do now?

Zoo trip! (May 24)

2009-06-14T18:58:00.001-07:00

In true Juliette fashion, I'm publishing pictures ages after the event actually occured. Enjoy!

flamingos will always and forever remind me of leila

Kookaburra sits on the old gum tree
Merry merry king of the bush is he
Laugh Kookaburra, laugh Kookaburra
Gay your life must be

Kookaburra sits on the old gum tree
Eating all the gumdrops he can see
Stop Kookaburra, stop Kookaburra
Stop save some for me

in dire need of a coke

i just thought this was funny....Go Bears!

manipulation at its finest

perspective
rhino meets rhino

the constant visitor and attention stealer. aka: Narcissus of the zoo

what a life of drama they lead!

album cover shot

upside down tree!!!

my favorite :D

so placid and congenial

It's been awhile...

2009-06-08T01:38:00.000-07:00

I realize that I have SO many pictures to post and it is really overwhelming, so I'm just going to start with today and work my way backwards.

So today Annie brought a butterfly into the house. After letting it catch up on the news, we took it back outside to fly!

Robert said the lighthouse at Point Bonita is only open on full moons. So, we made a brief trip over to Marin to check it out.

OH MY GOODNESS! I found a goldmine in the form of books in the house today. I literally became giddy and sad simultaneously. I started reading immediately, but also realized that I only have 2 weeks left here and will not possibly finish all of the amazing books I want to read on this shelf. All the good ones were right next to each other too!!!

eyes wide open

2009-05-22T02:35:00.000-07:00

i think i'm afraid to go to sleep because it will make tomorrow real.
can i change my mind?
i'm not entirely sure that i deserve to graduate from college.
i should've worked harder.
i should've obtained more knowledge.
the world will expect more from me if i receive that rolled up sheet of paper...

the deal i made with my brain:

2009-05-13T11:12:00.000-07:00

i give it sleep, it gives me words

the deal i made with my body:
i give it dance, it gives me breath

the deal i made with my spirit:
i pray, it gives me calmness

the deal i made with my heart:
i love unconditionally, i never cease to feel loved

texting:

2009-05-11T11:58:00.000-07:00

me: Put your phasers on stun!

Dad: Sorry, mine are set to vaporize. Tell the Klingons not to mess with me.

m: I'll do my best! By the way, what is a phaser?

D: Pistol looking weapons, like ray guns

m: Oh! My teacher in technology class made a reference to it and it reminded me of you! Did you know it's my last day of class ever?!

D: Woo hoo, school's out forever.....maybe

m: Maybe....

Don't worry

2009-05-10T17:13:00.000-07:00

about joining in late!

lately i've been wishing that i had been a part of the dance community at Cal for longer

Yet I've always known that some folks are only meant to be part of my life for a short time.

But that does not mean that they don't have a tremendous influence.
These two ladies helped me find the dancer in myself.
we moved
we danced
we wrestled
we laughed
we cried
we breathed
we expressed

i felt myself grow in their presence
i became more comfortable in my body, by being utterly exposed
i would never have pictured myself in a piece like ours,
but am so grateful that i was

Berlynn

2009-05-06T01:22:00.000-07:00

my cousin! she's 4. a dancer. and loquacious. like me :)

2009-05-05T00:55:00.001-07:00

Why I LOVE preschool!

2009-05-01T12:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday a little girl named Neomi said this to me:

"Juliette, at nap time when I lay down and close my eyes, I have a peace so filling in my heart."

Struggling to find the words

2009-04-27T18:08:00.000-07:00

that are needed to complete my thesis.

Not because I don't love the subject, but how does one write on topics as prominent as RELIGION, PEACE, and VIOLENCE without feeling overwhelmed.

Upon leaving class today, I realized that I am no longer the ambitious student striving for academic success that I once was.
I have ceased to value myself based on grades and merits.

Yesterday someone asked me what the one main idea or lesson is that I will take away from my four years of college. My answer: That I like myself. God made me who I am for a reason and I am loved. By recognizing that I am happy with my life, I am much better equipped to serve others joyfully.

Another friend reminded me how vital it is to just BE. Be in the moment. Be everything you are. That is how to commune with God. By BEING all that I know how to be.

I may not leave here with high academic honors, but I will depart with a greater sense of self than I could have ever thought possible. And that is truly a blessing.

God is

2009-04-20T12:30:00.001-07:00

not the mystery we comprehend, but the Mystery which comprehends us.

-Scott Appleby. The Ambivalence of the Sacred

Top 5 Brunch time!

2009-04-19T15:38:00.000-07:00

Yummmmmm! Sunnyside Cafe!
(no delay time in posting these Lisa!)

HALLELUJAH!!

2009-04-13T00:38:00.000-07:00

Today has been absolutely beautiful! Joyous and simple. I'm also on a PCN high and definitely a sugar overload! I just love my life and the people in it. Initially I was sad because I was not at home celebrating Easter with my family as I always do. I was not there to join hands in church with them, to sing Alleluia, to spend an hour in the bathroom with my sister curling our hair and doing our makeup, to run madly all over the yard trying to beat Adam in the egg hunt, to witness my dad consume his entire chocolate bunny in one sitting as he does every year, to eat my grandma's deviled eggs and my mom's honey ham, to help my mom dye the eggs pretty colors, to just BE with my family on a day as special as Easter. But today helped me realize that I have entirely redefined (heck yeah PCN!) who I consider to be in my family. Because today, I definitely spent with people who I consider my family. Robert and I made an Easter brunch consisting of omelettes, chocolate chip waffles, and strawberries. It was a good meal and amazing bonding time. We helped set up student dinner at Newman, which I basically consider to be my home. I saw many of my friends and I just felt pleasant. I totally kicked Jo's and Matt's butts at the egg hunt! That specific event allowed me to reconnect with home as well because it easily paralleled the moments I have with my sister and brother every year. Racing for eggs is still so exciting! Then, Xio got permission to set up a foot-washing station so that we could partake in the Holy Thursday ritual. It was incredibly thoughtful and I almost cried as I was having my feet washed. It is impossible to not feel continuously blessed with a life such as mine. Some time later Robert came into the sanctuary, and the three of us sat hand in hand in the front pew. In the dark we sat facing the long banner that proclaimed ALLELUIA. The image of the three of us, silently being present to one another, is one of the most meaningful visuals of my entire college career. God has blessed me immensely. I ended the night with a nice chat with Jo and a lovely mass. I got to help sprinkle water on people after the baptismal promises renewal. That was FUN! My day grew better and better and I realized that I was with my family the whole time.

I am continuing to realize that I am always where I am meant to be.
Happy Easter everyone!
Peace be with you.

2009-04-09T23:06:00.000-07:00

This entire week I've been trying to not loose sight of the fact that it is holy week. During the past two years, I have been able to be in touch with the spirit of the week. The beautiful, somber anguish that is holy week! However, this year, holy week coincided with p-week. As interesting and fun as pcn has been to be a part of, I truly wish that these two weeks had not been simultaneous. Holy Thursday has grown to be one of (if not absolute) my favorite masses in the liturgical calendar. It is so rich and healing. To me, it carries an essence of tradition that allows me to better appreciate being Catholic. And tonight I missed out on something that I would have loved to have been a member in communion of. By the time I arrived at Newman, mass was already concluded and only a few people were still gathered upstairs praying. As I knelt down to reflect on the scene, my life, friends, and family, I could not clear my head. Of course I've had difficulty praying or centering myself before. Quieting the constant stream of thoughts venturing through my head is often not an easy task. But today was exponentially more disheartening. More than anything I had wanted to be at that mass. Yet as much as I told my saddened spirit that I had chosen incorrectly tonight, my anxious feelings did not cease. At some point in my reflection it dawned on me that I am always where I am meant to be whether I know it or not. Whether it is what I wanted initially or not. Only then did a sense of peace come to my soul. God is with all, in all. He is always with me. That will never change.

It seems as though my father

2009-04-08T01:14:00.000-07:00

understands me more now.
My dad sent me a speech by Steve Jobs today.
Here is an excerpt from it:

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something: your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing in the dots connecting down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leads you off the well-worn path and that will make all the difference.

Time marches on....

2009-04-08T00:31:00.001-07:00

I picked up my cap and gown

and ordered my graduation announcements today!

It's so odd...

2009-04-06T01:01:00.001-07:00

to finally be at peace with something that, for years, has been unresolved and anxiety inducing,
but to be unexpectedly unsettled about something else.
Ughhh.....

2009-04-02T23:42:00.000-07:00

I am in a very good place right now,
EXHAUSTED
but good.

I am not that lost girl anymore.

I love to learn, but I need some time in the field.
I need to work hard. I need to teach and be taught.
I need to miss things.
I need to grow and be changed.

So I think I'm going to tell you a story:

2009-03-31T03:03:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, in the land of mysterious jumping frogs, there lived a disgruntled lizard...

whose only desire in the world was to be part of the traveling frog circus! But alas, God had made him a lovable lizard, not a fabulous frog. So he devised...

a scandalous plan! Luke the lizard would infiltrate the frog circus by seducing the lead jumper Flamboyant Phil, who had a weakness for lizard lips.

One night, when Phil was changing in his dressing room after a splendid showcase of leaping talent, he found a typewritten note that read: My Dearest Phil,

You have captured my heart with your beautiful froggy legs. I want nothing more than to travel the circus circuit with you till the end of my days. I will...

bake you 5 milllion chocolate chip/fly wing cookies in exchange for your undying love, affection, and loyalty. Yours truly, Luke the lizard. Phil was so...

flabbergasted that he let out the loudest ribbet that anyone had ever heard! He immediately had a telegram sent to Luke that consisted only of one word,

Deal. They done got hitched the very next day! It was quite the spectacle you see, a frog marrying and lizard and such. Then the happy couple adopted an orphaned

chameleon from the neighboring town of Rainbowsville. Their new daughter Claire's changeability was so impressive to the circus managers that they offered her

a starring role in the jumping frog act. She was to continuously "disappear". Meanwhile, Luke was honing his talent of imitating a lion by being angry and and puffy.

The managers appreciated Luke's work ethic, but informed him that he was not exciting enough to join the cast. Luke was infuriated! He decided that enough was enough...

During the performance that night, Luke stormed on stage in the midst of the Racing Ranidae. He channeled all of his frustrations to this one, ultimate moment and

puffed himself up so large that he burst into thousands of tiny sparks that flew through the atmosphere and landed in the Milky Way!

The sparks form the constellation Lacerta (translated lizard). Now Luke is a shining star for all to see and he is honored in the land of the mysterious jumping frogs!

The End

life in the rice paddies

2009-03-24T12:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got to ride around fresno with my dad in his truck after he picked me up from the train station. He was craving a mid-afternoon snack, therefore I scored a small ice-cream cone out of the deal. I started asking him what life on the farm was like for him growing up. Apparently it was very hot with air infused by mosquitos from the soppy, drenched fields! Haha, my favorite quote: "My dad used me to block a levee once while he threw mud on it to try and fix it." I realize that life on a farm on the outskirts of Merced was much less romantic and funny than it sounds in stories told by my father and his sisters, but occasionally I still wish I had grown up like that. He also elaborated on how his dad built him a butterfly kite out of bamboo wood taken from the river! One day, I too will build a kite!

ever made a decision

2009-03-20T02:14:00.000-07:00

that you immediately regretted?

haha, i should've never gotten my bag out of the car!
thank goodness i have robert to get me out of sticky situations.
i'm SO grateful!!

now we're sitting here
watching the ROYAL TENENBAUMS
(it's OK that Margo and Richie are in love)
eating cranberry sauce from a can

i thoroughly enjoy being in college
ha! it's just so random

and OH MY GOODNESS----> Wicked!

sometimes it just feels better to lay down.

Addie

2009-03-17T11:05:00.000-07:00

So I took Anse. And when I knew that I had Cash, I knew that living was terrible and that this was the answer to it. That was when I learned that words are not good; that words dont ever fit even what they are trying to say at. When he was born I knew that motherhood was invented by someone who had to have a word for it because the ones that had the children didn't care whether there was a word for it or not. I knew that fear was invented by someone that had never had the fear; pride, who never had the pride. I knew that it had been, not that they had dirty noses, but that we had had to use one another by words like spiders dangling by their mouths from a beam, swinging and twisting and never touching, and that only through the blows of the switch could my blood and their blood flow as one stream. I knew that it had been , not that my aloneness had to be violated over and over each day, but that it had never been violated until Cash came. Not even by Anse in the nights.

He had a word, too. Love, he called it. But I had been used to words for a long time. I knew that that word was like the others: just a shape to fill a lack; that when the right time came, you wouldn't need a word for that anymore than for pride or fear. Cash did not need to say it to me nor I to him, and I would say, Let Anse use it, if he wants to. So that it was Anse or love; love or Anse: it didn't matter.

I would think that even while I lay with him in the dark and Cash asleep in the cradle within the swing of my hand. I would think that if he were to wake and cry, I would suckle him, too. Anse or love: it didn't matter. My aloneness had been violated and then made whole again by the violation: time, Anse, love, what you will, outside the circle.

Then I found that I had Darl. At first I would not believe it. Then I believed that I would kill Anse. It was as though he had tricked me, hidden within a word like within a paper screen and struck me in the back through it. But then I realised that I had been tricked by words older than Anse or love, and that the same word had tricked Anse too, and that my revenge would be that he would never know I was taking revenge. And when Darl was born I asked Anse to promise to take me back to Jefferson when I died, because I knew that father had been right, even when he couldn't have known he was right anymore than I could have known I was wrong.

"Nonsense," Anse said; "you and me aint nigh done chapping yet, with just two."

He did not know that he was dead, then. Sometimes I would lie by him in the dark, hearing the land that was now of my blood and flesh, and I would think: Anse. Why Anse. Why are you Anse. I would think about his name until after a while I could see the word as a shape, a vessel, and I would watch him liquify and flow into it like cold molasses flowing out of the darkness into the vessel, until the jar stood full and motionless: a significant shape profoundly without life like an empty door frame; and then I would find that I had forgotten the name of the jar. I would think: The shape of my body where I used to be a virgin is in the shape of a _________ and I couldn't think Anse, couldn't remember Anse. It was not that I could think of myself as no longer unvirgin, because I was three now. And I would think Cash and Darl that way until their names would die and solidify into a shape and then fade away, I would say, All right. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what they call them.

And so when Cora Tull would tell me I was not a true mother, I would think how words go straight up in a thin line, quick and harmless, and how terribly doing goes along the earth, clinging to it, so that after a while the two lines are too far apart for the same person to straddle from one to the other; and that sin and love and fear are just sounds that people who never sinned nor loved nor feared have for what they never had and cannot have until they forget the words.

-As I Lay Dying, William Faulkner

ecstasy

2009-03-16T12:37:00.000-07:00

yesterday i realized that i just might be in love with everyone i know

the feeling of living life to the extreme
but not life in general's extreme
specifically MY life's extreme

giving my personality the opportunity to reach its full potential
unapologetically being everything i am

exploring the parts of myself that i love while in the company of those who extract my best self
not questioning my motivations

it's like those rare bursts of sudden inhibition
that allow you to finally reveal your heart to the one you love
or leap into your dance partner's arms knowing they will catch you

but, hours of my day were lived in that state.

yesterday i experienced, for lack of a better term, ecstasy!
pure JOY and freedom and excitement and LOVE
all through living entirely as my full self
the one God intended me to be

I Shall Not Walk Alone

2009-03-14T14:30:00.000-07:00

Battered and torn
still I can see the light
Tattered and worn
but I must kneel to fight

Friend of mine
what can't you spare
I know some times
it gets cold in there

When my legs no longer carry
and the warm wind chills my bones
I reach for Mother Mary
and I shall not walk alone

Hope is alive
while we're apart
only tears
speak from my heart
break the chains
that hold us down
and we shall be
forever bound

When I'm tired and weary
and a long way from home
I reach for Mother Mary
and I shall not walk alone

Beauty that
we left behind
how shall we
tomorrow find

Set aside
our weight in sin
so that we
can live again

When my legs no longer carry
and the warm wind chills my bones
I reach for Mother Mary
and I shall not walk alone

-Ben Harper

"I feel like really thick custard"

2009-03-13T18:52:00.000-07:00

-Benny, impersonating me.

therapy for the body.
dance class.
movement.
stillness.
interpersonal contact.

therapy for the mind.
philosophical conversation.
laughter.

therapy for the soul.
newman:
my family
my prayers
healing
remembering
embracing
humbling

stations:
cleansing
revitalizing

2009-03-11T01:30:00.000-07:00

I'm exhausted.
Been having bouts of insomnia lately for no apparent reason.
I'm not at the retreat anymore, but I wish I was.
Life is just different there.

Every so often I go into these hazy states.
Days blur together.
Events occur, yet have no effect on me.
The only reason I make it through the day is because it has been routinized.
I know where to turn and what to eat.
I know what I think is funny and I laugh.
I know what is breaking my heart and I feel sad.

I've forgotten what it's like to be alive,
what it's like to be in love,
what it's like to be free.

remind me to tell you

2009-02-27T03:30:00.000-08:00

the story of the dead bird

"personalities are real"

I am a Catholic

2009-02-24T13:12:00.000-08:00

I think I used to be afraid to say I was Catholic; scared to fully embrace and acknowledge it. It was like if I said it out loud to other people, then it made it true and definite. By taking on the name, I also had to take on everything that it embodied. All the wrongs that the Church has committed and all of the doctrines that I still disagree with. I'm starting to learn that that's not the case. I can be "Catholic" to whatever extent makes me feel comfortable. No person that takes on a term of identity does it in the same way or with the same foci in mind. This also doesn't mean that it's okay to be a nominal Catholic. I should live out what I say I am, why else would I say it. I've lived in fear that other people would judge me by their understanding of what it is to be Catholic. But really, what else can they do? All each of us has is our own understandings of things. Hopefully we are each open enough to allow ourselves to be influenced by those we meet, to let our definitions of "words" be fluid enough to change and evolve, and to not let preconceived notions of distinct collective identities affect how we view each individual person. Therefore, I am Catholic. I'll take on whatever it entails and know that each day is different in how I choose to create myself and my identity.

Welcome to Lent, the time when everyone gets to choose how they want to embrace their Catholicism. I hope that each of you who feel most at peace when you are in a community of Catholic believers, or who just like the idea of this sacrificial season, is able to grow in your faith during the next six weeks. May the Spirit be with you now and always.

Interesting:

2009-02-22T00:57:00.000-08:00

"This book, like probably every other typed document you have ever read, was typed with a QWERTY keyboard, named for the left most six letters in its upper row. Unbelievable as it may now sound, that keyboard layout was designed in 1873 as a feat of anti-engineering. It employs a whole series of perverse tricks designed to force typists to type as slowly as possible, such as scattering the commonest letters over all keyboard rows and concentrating them on the left side (where right-handed people have to use their weaker hand). The reason behind all of those seemingly counterproductive features is that the typewriters of 1873 jammed if adjacent keys were struck in quick succession, so that manufacturers had to slow down typists. When improvements in typewriters eliminated the problem of jamming, trials in 1932 with an efficiently laid-out keyboard showed that it would let us double our typing speed and reduce our typing efforts by 95 percent. But QWERTY keyboards were solidly entrenched by then. The vested interests of hundreds of millions of QWERTY typists, typing teachers, typewriter and computer salespeople, and manufacturers have crushed all moves toward keyboard efficiency for over 60 years."

- Jared Diamond, "Necessity's Mother"

the Reader

2009-02-21T09:55:00.000-08:00

go see it
and tell me what you think.

Me, well I wish that I were watching it again right now!
But I'm going on a FIELD TRIP!

To an undisclosed location! Whooooo!
I'm excited!
I'm wearing my overalls for the occasion.

Happy Sunny Saturday!

because i realized that i never posted these:

2009-02-19T23:35:00.003-08:00

FRJTZ!!! (1/10/09)

Thank you Joe!
(Chancho and I have been getting along dandily!)