Some things I've needed to say, but

• Haven’t had words
• Haven’t had the time
• Haven’t had the energy

To one:
Congratulations! I know you need my support right now and I am so sorry I can’t be there. Don’t worry, you will be fine. You are blessed!

To another:
I love you. Even though you’ve never depended on anyone before, you can depend on me and I will always be there. Please never forget that.

To a third:
I am sorry that I hurt you. I think about you everyday and you are important to me. I hope you know I still care. When I can finally back up how I feel with what I do and what I say, things might go back to normal. Until then, thank you for understanding.

To a fourth:
I miss you everyday. You help keep my faith strong and without you, sometimes I forget God exists.

To a fifth:
You’ve always been a better friend to me than I have been to you. I don’t deserve you and yet you are still there.

To a sixth:
Thank you for continuing to make me smile. You have touched my soul.

To a seventh:
If only I could see you more often! You make me feel like I legitimately help you when you trust me with the questions of your life. And you remember me even though I’m far away.

To an eighth:
Thank you for loving me even though I can not return that love in the same way.

To a ninth:
Thank you for being more daring than me. It’s inspiring and motivating and real.

To a tenth:
I know you care. And, at the same time, you don’t give a shit. Everyone knows you are higher than number ten, and yet you will never give me any grief for putting you last on this list. Thank you for being there for me, being constant, even though I haven’t been there for you.

To all:
Most of the time I am unable to express how blessed I am to have so many substantial individuals who act as a graceful presence in my life. I am so grateful that I know each of you. I wish I could make each one of you understand what a struggle it has been for me to not be able to contact you more frequently this year. But, overall, I am extremely exhausted.

I am mostly saddened by what I witness everyday and tired that it never seems to improve. I have experienced so much that I have not been able or willing to share with you. I realize that it is my fault for the distances and rifts I have created in some of my relationships, but my place this year was never to be with you. My place this year is to be with my kids. So for this one year of my life, I am sorry that I am not dedicated to my relationships. I know this is detrimental and in some cases (although I hope not) possibly caustic. I keep you all in my heart and in case I have not found the time to tell you recently, I love you deeply. You have each played a substantial role in making me who I am. Thank you.

Come August, I hope to reinvigorate each relationship I have and invest some much needed time in them. But for another month, I will come home everyday and spend time with my community and myself. Reflect and try to figure out why the hell the world is so fucked up. Innocence is lost. Children are corrupted and not taken care of. And all I can do is stand by and watch. All I can do is be one positive voice in sea of a million negative ones. All I can do is cry and hope to God that each child is alright, even though I know that they are not. I will continue to try to be hopeful when I actually am helpless.