Struggling to find the words

that are needed to complete my thesis.

Not because I don't love the subject, but how does one write on topics as prominent as RELIGION, PEACE, and VIOLENCE without feeling overwhelmed.

Upon leaving class today, I realized that I am no longer the ambitious student striving for academic success that I once was.
I have ceased to value myself based on grades and merits.

Yesterday someone asked me what the one main idea or lesson is that I will take away from my four years of college. My answer: That I like myself. God made me who I am for a reason and I am loved. By recognizing that I am happy with my life, I am much better equipped to serve others joyfully.

Another friend reminded me how vital it is to just BE. Be in the moment. Be everything you are. That is how to commune with God. By BEING all that I know how to be.

I may not leave here with high academic honors, but I will depart with a greater sense of self than I could have ever thought possible. And that is truly a blessing.

God is

not the mystery we comprehend, but the Mystery which comprehends us.

-Scott Appleby. The Ambivalence of the Sacred

Top 5 Brunch time!

Yummmmmm! Sunnyside Cafe!
(no delay time in posting these Lisa!)

HALLELUJAH!!

Today has been absolutely beautiful! Joyous and simple. I'm also on a PCN high and definitely a sugar overload! I just love my life and the people in it. Initially I was sad because I was not at home celebrating Easter with my family as I always do. I was not there to join hands in church with them, to sing Alleluia, to spend an hour in the bathroom with my sister curling our hair and doing our makeup, to run madly all over the yard trying to beat Adam in the egg hunt, to witness my dad consume his entire chocolate bunny in one sitting as he does every year, to eat my grandma's deviled eggs and my mom's honey ham, to help my mom dye the eggs pretty colors, to just BE with my family on a day as special as Easter. But today helped me realize that I have entirely redefined (heck yeah PCN!) who I consider to be in my family. Because today, I definitely spent with people who I consider my family. Robert and I made an Easter brunch consisting of omelettes, chocolate chip waffles, and strawberries. It was a good meal and amazing bonding time. We helped set up student dinner at Newman, which I basically consider to be my home. I saw many of my friends and I just felt pleasant. I totally kicked Jo's and Matt's butts at the egg hunt! That specific event allowed me to reconnect with home as well because it easily paralleled the moments I have with my sister and brother every year. Racing for eggs is still so exciting! Then, Xio got permission to set up a foot-washing station so that we could partake in the Holy Thursday ritual. It was incredibly thoughtful and I almost cried as I was having my feet washed. It is impossible to not feel continuously blessed with a life such as mine. Some time later Robert came into the sanctuary, and the three of us sat hand in hand in the front pew. In the dark we sat facing the long banner that proclaimed ALLELUIA. The image of the three of us, silently being present to one another, is one of the most meaningful visuals of my entire college career. God has blessed me immensely. I ended the night with a nice chat with Jo and a lovely mass. I got to help sprinkle water on people after the baptismal promises renewal. That was FUN! My day grew better and better and I realized that I was with my family the whole time.

I am continuing to realize that I am always where I am meant to be.
Happy Easter everyone!
Peace be with you.

This entire week I've been trying to not loose sight of the fact that it is holy week. During the past two years, I have been able to be in touch with the spirit of the week. The beautiful, somber anguish that is holy week! However, this year, holy week coincided with p-week. As interesting and fun as pcn has been to be a part of, I truly wish that these two weeks had not been simultaneous. Holy Thursday has grown to be one of (if not absolute) my favorite masses in the liturgical calendar. It is so rich and healing. To me, it carries an essence of tradition that allows me to better appreciate being Catholic. And tonight I missed out on something that I would have loved to have been a member in communion of. By the time I arrived at Newman, mass was already concluded and only a few people were still gathered upstairs praying. As I knelt down to reflect on the scene, my life, friends, and family, I could not clear my head. Of course I've had difficulty praying or centering myself before. Quieting the constant stream of thoughts venturing through my head is often not an easy task. But today was exponentially more disheartening. More than anything I had wanted to be at that mass. Yet as much as I told my saddened spirit that I had chosen incorrectly tonight, my anxious feelings did not cease. At some point in my reflection it dawned on me that I am always where I am meant to be whether I know it or not. Whether it is what I wanted initially or not. Only then did a sense of peace come to my soul. God is with all, in all. He is always with me. That will never change.

It seems as though my father

understands me more now.
My dad sent me a speech by Steve Jobs today.
Here is an excerpt from it:

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something: your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing in the dots connecting down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leads you off the well-worn path and that will make all the difference.

Time marches on....

I picked up my cap and gown

and ordered my graduation announcements today!

It's so odd...

to finally be at peace with something that, for years, has been unresolved and anxiety inducing,
but to be unexpectedly unsettled about something else.
Ughhh.....

I am in a very good place right now,
EXHAUSTED
but good.

I am not that lost girl anymore.

I love to learn, but I need some time in the field.
I need to work hard. I need to teach and be taught.
I need to miss things.
I need to grow and be changed.