Sunday, September 28, 2008


Thursday, September 25, 2008

teeth

Today in anatomy I learned that an adult is supposed to have 32 teeth.
Humans are evolving and no longer need their wisdom teeth,
therefore most adults have 28 teeth.
But for some reason I only have 25.
mystery....

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Seekers talk

Isaiah 55: 1-9
1 All you who are thirsty, come to the water! You who have no money, come, receive grain and eat; Come, without paying and without cost, drink wine and milk!
2 Why spend your money for what is not bread; your wages for what fails to satisfy? Heed me, and you shall eat well, you shall delight in rich fare.
3 Come to me heedfully, listen, that you may have life. I will renew with you the everlasting covenant, the benefits assured to David.
4 As I made him a witness to the peoples, a leader and commander of nations,
5 So shall you summon a nation you knew not, and nations that knew you not shall run to you, Because of the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, who has glorified you.
6 Seek the LORD while he may be found, call him while he is near.
7 Let the scoundrel forsake his way, and the wicked man his thoughts; Let him turn to the LORD for mercy; to our God, who is generous in forgiving.
8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the LORD.
9 As high as the heavens are above the earth, so high are my ways above your ways and my thoughts above your thoughts.



Tonight I gave a reflection at Seekers.
Here is more or less what I said:



I think my favorite part of this passage is how inviting it is. Basically whatever your needs are, they will be met by going to the Lord. The message is hopeful and seemingly simple.



Reflecting on its simplicity led me to question why a message such as this needs to be reiterated so often. Why do we repeatedly need to hear that God will be there for us throughout our lives? All we need to do is go to Him. Trust enough. And He will always be there.



I personally need to hear this incredibly often. At some point in my life I became a skeptic. One who questions. Is God really there? Really?? Always??? Even when I don't believe in Him anymore...will He still be there? Is He still guiding my life when I completely fail to acknowledge Him or consciously choose not to? Is He still acting when I get angry at Him? Even when I can't understand why my life is the way it is?



I've come to believe that the answers to all of these questions are Yes. Verse 8 of this passage says "My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways," says the Lord. This verse has been immensely helpful for me. It reminds me that I do not ned to be able to comprehend God's motivations for things because He is not human. I realize that it is okay to not understand what the heck is going on in my life, either good or bad...Be it a failed midterm or broken relationship or a blessed friendship. I'll never be able to guess the route my life will take or how God will play a role. I've just accepted that God is there whether I notice or not. And He is always beckoning to me. He is constantly pulling at my heart in some way. (You may have felt this pull too.) Many times, I'm afraid of what I think I'm being asked to do. But once I do it, once I go where I am asked to go, I know that's what I was meant to be doing.

Come to the water and your thirst will be satiated.

Come without money and you will be fed.

Come and you will lead nations full of people you don't know.

Come and trust the Lord.

God will provide.


It has been a struggle to let myself believe these words. I have a prayer that I keep in my room and I read it regularly. It reminds me that it's okay to not understand God, but to trust Him anyway. Here it is:


My Lord God,


I have no idea where I am going
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,
And the fact that I think I am following
your will does not mean that I am
actually doing so.


But I believe that the desire to please
you does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire in all
that I am doing.
And I know that if I do this, you
will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death, I will
not fear, for you are ever with me
and you will never leave me
to face my perils alone.

-Thomas Merton

here we go

back in the public domain.

He Provided Blessings






This dinner was so amazing for so many reasons.
  1. I have an awesome roommate.
  2. My sister was there.
  3. David Hernandez is my soulmate.
  4. The food was beyond delicious.
  5. The service...just...wow.
  6. My goodness, the chocolate souffle.
  7. David gave Robert and I prayer rocks.
  8. I was reminded of people's capacity for generosity. It's endless

Sunday, September 21, 2008

passing along the message:

"The person who you think does not love you, does."


just becoming the next link in the chain

Friday, September 19, 2008

Chihuly

Jenn invited me to the De Young Museum to see the Chihuly exhibit. I am incredibly thankful that she did because I got the opportunity to see this gorgeous glass art work. It was so beautiful. Literally breathtaking. There was one room which I named the Kaleidoscope Room which I believe I would like to live inside of. I sat and stared at the ceiling in that room for over 20 minutes. Then I layed down on the floor and peered upwards for another 20 minutes or so. New shapes and layers of colors kept emerging. The glass, with all of its fluid, whimsical shapes and colors was just magical. Magical.....







































a hopeless romantic

I once told someone I was one
but that I tried not to be.
They were quite amused by this statement.
Yet I think it's valid.
It sucks being a hopeless romantic.
It means that, more often than not, I'll be disappointed.
But I live for the not so oftens.
(this is why I'll never take that pill)

So Robert and I watched Titanic tonight.
And it was EPIC.
Amazing. (sigh......)
So much better than I remember it.
I seriously got butterflies a few times.
I won't say that it's not overly dramatic or cheesey at times.
But who can legitimately say that they don't want a love like that?
C'mon, I'd die for a passion-filled Kate and Leo esque love.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I am NOT an object.

Do NOT look me up and down like I am.
My body belongs to me.
So please keep your eyes to yourself.

Monday, September 15, 2008

It is my nature that makes me love you often,
For I am love itself.

It is my longing that makes me love you intensely,
For I yearn to be loved from the heart.

It is my eternity that makes me love you long,
For I have no end.

How God Answers the Soul - Mechthild of Magdeburg - 13th century

i'm tired of avoiding people

i made this page public for about 5 minutes.
but i just felt naked.
and not the good, liberating kind.
it was the exposed, vulnerable kind. and it just felt bad.

i wonder how long it will be before i no longer feel the need to fix my eyes on the ground and become an actress upon exiting mass at 10 o clock. it is ridiculous and i don't know who i am during those moments gathered outside the church. i place the blame on no one but myself. yet, i honestly have nothing to say.
I am the Bread of life,
He who comes to Me shall not hunger,
He who believes in Me shall not thirst.
No one can come to Me
Unless the Father beckons.

And I will raise you up,
And I will raise you up,
And I will raise you up on the last day.

The bread that I will give
Is My flesh for the life of the world,
And if you eat of this bread,
You shall live for ever,
You shall live for ever.

And I will raise you up,
And I will raise you up,
And I will raise you up on the last day.

Unless you eat
Of the flesh of the Son of Man
And drink of His blood,
And drink of His blood,
You shall not have life within you.

And I will raise you up,
And I will raise you up,
And I will raise you up on the last day.

I am the Resurrection,
I am the Life,
If you believe in Me
Even though you die,
You shall live for ever.

And I will raise you up,
And I will raise you up,
And I will raise you up on the last day.

I Am the Bread of Life- Suzanne Toolan

Friday, September 12, 2008

so many things to say...

only one little blog to say them in.

for clarity's sake, let's go in reverse chronological order:

1) i just spent a few hours of my life watching 2 incredible documentaries. it was some of the most amazing video footage i've ever seen. but beyond that, i was able to see into the lives of others like never before. i could not have imagined the lifestyles that i witnessed on these films.
a "forgotten" village in a remote part of the himalayas.
marriage ceremonies
constant hard work
scaling mountains of snow
intense love for God. desire to be good people.
knowing what it means to use your heart as a guide
(for something other than personal gain or a romantic relationship)
they just seemed so beautiful and pure.
living in the present with no conception to do so any differently

in a certain part of ethiopia,
honey is regarded as the "elixir of life"
necessary to the livelihood of the people there.
they live in tribes
and there is war
and initiation rights for manhood
and women with elaborate dress
who get to choose their husbands.

so, so, so many different people and concepts about the way life is.
i just can't find words to describe how wonderful it all is.
is.
is.
is.

2) lucky charms has a new marshmellow shaped like an hourglass. i'm not sure how i feel about this yet.

3) i encountered many of my acquaintances/friends/glimmers today.
the benefit of this is: my smile was constantly being replenished throughout the day. i love unexpected chats and really good hugs. (and i mean really good)

4) my wife called and she was entirely filled with joy for the first time in a long time. she was treated with care and kindness and like a princess. she definitely deserved it. so my extreme gratitude goes to paul in this moment. thank you for recognizing her beauty.

5) cake

6) hahahahahaha. finding out who the author of sex on tuesday is. SO SHOCKING. part of me still doesn't believe it. ha, but i think the funniest part is that the glimmer is still totally there.

7) finally getting hired. and at the preschool no less! i can't wait to hear all the murmurs and excited squeals and happy giggles of tiny persons born no earlier than 2004. they are such a joy. and have a contagious air of wonder about them. i feel so blessed and i haven't even started yet.

8) being invited to weddings.

9) understanding that my life isn't static. its constant fluidity, and my ability to incite fluctuation has become more lucid.


here's a list of random things i like:
  • knitted leg warmers
  • my redorange (like the crayola color) sweater
  • turtles
  • spaghetti squash
  • dried cranberries
  • old photographs of my parents
  • my treehouse-esque room
  • the silence and breeze of the early morning
  • compasses and maps
  • wildflowers
  • grace

Monday, September 8, 2008

It is what it is.

Today
at two different times
two different friends
told me that it seemed like I had something on my mind.

I guess
I have quite a few things on my mind.

Breathing more deeply these days
Keeping a few more things to myself

Life is heavy

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Friday, September 5, 2008

excerpts from my mom's emails

"I wonder how two republicans can spawn 3 democrats."

"Yes we watched the republican convention.
It is for sure McCain has sooo much more
experience in all of the right areas.
Obama has sooo little experience-
I do not think is even a little qualified.
Both of rep. candidates are very involved
in the military & the military is what keeps
this country on track. I do think that it
will be a close election-
but the republicans will prevail I have no doubt.
All those democrats want to do is spend
more money and raise more taxes.
Enough!!!"


I love my mom. But I think she's just wrong.
Ha, what is this rhetoric? "the republicans will prevail"...
she's been infected.
Ughhh and the military?? REALLY?!
I'm heading to the peace corps. Stat.

the elixir of life

i am entirely indebted to whoever created running water.
i think it's just amazing.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Wow!

this note just arrived in my inbox.
i might cry :-)

I didn't get to say this last night because I had to leave early, but I wanted to tell you that you are one of my favorite things about Seekers. It's a good thing we're graduating together because I don't know what I'd do without you there.

letting "you" go

today was just good all around.
surprisingly good.

a good interview.
with ruffles. :-)

the student peace alliance is in its infancy and i am going to be on the team that helps bring it to fruition.

so many new students at seekers with positive things to say.
affirmations abound!

the french language is difficult.
but i'll learn it if i have to.
nothing's going to stand between me and the peace corps.

today i gained my confidence back.
some of the positive energy that is innate to my being reemerged.
thus, allowing me to see that i'd been missing a prominent piece of myself.
for an indeterminate amount of time, i've been measuring myself with someone else's ruler.
someone else's standards.
wanting so much to be what i "should"
mistakenly led me to not be what i could.
no longer will it matter if i am not who you think i am.
as long as i am content
your thoughts about me hold no significance.

and from this day forward, the "you" who i refer to
will no longer be you.
thank you for giving me the sadness/anger/courage/desire
to return the borrowed lenses of yours which i saw myself through.
hopefully now, with my own frames, my perspective will be clearer.

no more pretending
or waiting
or hoping
or justifying.
from now on,
ALL I WILL BE IS ME.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

I have been blessed with an amazing set of friends.
If you're reading this...I love you more than you could possibly know.

musical therapy

So I know this might be cheesy and possibly lacking depth, but these are the lyrics that I related to today. Replace the she with a he, and I felt like I was being directly sung to.


You've found hope
You've found faith,
Found how fast she could take it away.
Found true love,
Lost your heart.
Now you don't know who you are.

She made it easy,
Made it free,
Made you hurt til you couldn't see.
Sometimes it stops,
Sometimes it flows,
But baby that is how love goes.

You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.

It's a secret no one tells;
One day it's heaven, one day it's hell.
It's no fairy tale;
Take it from me,
That's the way it's supposed to be.

You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.

You laugh, you cry, no one knows why
Behold the thrill of it all...
You're on the ride
You might as well
Open your eyes

You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.
Even angels fall
Even angels fall

Even Angels Fall-Jessica Riddle


And yes I was listening to the 10 Things I Hate About You soundtrack...don't judge me. ;-)

Monday, September 1, 2008

Oh God

Oh God
Oh God
Oh God
Oh God
Oh God

this was the only prayer I had at church tonight.
...the only curse as well.

how can you call yourself my friend?
walk right past me
with her on your arm
look me straight in the eye
and say nothing.

as if on cue,
i subsequently fell apart.