A heavy and joyful heart have I

It seems that I have been receiving blow upon blow lately.

News from my family

striking me right in the gut.

I cried for an entire hour one night.

Held tight, wrapped in loving arms, but still sad nonetheless.

Of course as people get older, life becomes harder.

More serious.

Everything has consequences.

I realized that I feel the pain of my family more than anything else.

I weep for them.

PEOPLE DON'T DESERVE THIS.

WHY IS LIFE SO PAINFUL?

IT ISN'T FAIR. IT ISN'T FAIR. IT ISN'T FAIR.

(who can i say this to who will finally make it fair?....no one. it just has to be.)

And in the midst of all of this...a child is conceived.

A baby on the way.

For innumerable intervals of time, all I feel is JOY.

Blessed world! A new person to meet and love!

God has magnificent timing.

I will always love you. I will always respect you.

Desiderata- Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

- 1927

This is

who we are!

Vonnegut strikes again!

I have now been introduced to a fabulous human being: Eugene Debs. Here is what he said,

"Your Honor, years ago I recognized my kinship with all living beings, and I made up my mind that I was not one bit better than the meanest on earth. I said then, and I say now, that while there is a lower class, I am in it, and while there is a criminal element I am of it, and while there is a soul in prison, I am not free."

September 1st

Los Angeles was more receptive to me than I was to it.
Yet, still very hard to assimilate to.
I say this as if it happened decades, years, months, even weeks ago.
It didn't.
A few days have passed.
Maybe ten or so.
Give or take 3 days.
I am just beginning to like it here.
But I still despise some of the trends,
and the fact that I now own a car.
I like the vibrancy of the streets and proximity to the beach.
I love the cool winds that enter the windows every morning
and continue on throughout the day until evening.
I get so excited to come home every night to a welcome feeling of love!
There is no longer a pull from some other place,
nor is there a need for my presence to be elsewhere.
Everything is as it should be.
I feel peaceful when I drift off to sleep at night.
But I terribly miss my simple life.
The one that consisted of bicycles and homemade hummus,
of nightly family style dinners and tiny faces greeting me every morning,
of beautiful sunsets and heat beyond belief,
of daily frustrations and accomplishments,
of heartbreaking stories and the overwhelming desire to do good.
My life was changed forever due to those things
and I will never see through rose colored glasses again.
But I do have a partner to walk with me during life's trials now.
I like the dinosaur sheets that we sleep on.
I like that we watch cookie monster on youtube.
I like that we listen to paul simon records.
I like that we ride bikes to the farmer's market.
I like that we eat chocolate cake at Ikea.
I like us. Actually, I love us! Everything about us.
Next up: an income that actually pays for everything,
A life that is infused with my values of past and present,
A faith that is truly God's and my creation.

And so I go

tomorrow
the biggest move I've ever made
not in terms of possessions
nor distance
nor a career path
this time, it's not just for me
for the first time in my life, it's specifically for someone else

And what is a life without love?

you make me, me
just by you being you